Shaq, I think we shouldn't be friends

Dear Shaq,

We both moved to Arizona about the same time. It's pretty nice here, huh? Summers are hot, but you have to love the mid-70 winters, right? It's not as humid as Orlando or Miami. Plus, don't you remember Los Angeles? The city is full of fakers. One day you're sleeping on a giant circular bed with superman logos plastered all over your bedroom, the next you're in the gutter. But we made it.

However, Shaq. I think our friendship has run its course. We have been Twitter friends for a few days now. Things have been going well, but then someone showed you how to upload photos to twitter using your google phone, and now you update 12 times a day. Plus you forget to use vowels... all the time. I mean what is this:

"GOODNITE, IM WATCH GP AND C WEBB, WOW, EBONICS SUPREME LOL"

Don't get me wrong, you had your good posts, like this riveting discussion about movies:

"WHICH MOVIE WAS BETTER KAZAAM OR STEEL, HOW ABOUT, NEITHER, LOL"

And what about that hilarious time we had in that... ha ha! Well, I'll just let you tell the story:

"I HAD A NOKIA E90 BUT IT FELL N DA TOILET, NOW I HAVE A SHAQBERRY LOL"

L-O-L indeed! But Shaq, you have to face it. We have drifted apart... plus you're a Leprechaun-racist. Has Obama taught you nothing! You gave him your shoes!

"I HATE LEPREKONS LOL"

So it's over Shaq, just go. Leave me! Don't turn around. Don't look back...don't... speak... I know what you're thinking... and I don't need you're reasons... don't tell me cause it hurts.